Depression
by star16
Summary: Chapter 6 is up! COMPLETE! You ever think how Syd goes through what she does each day and never falls apart? Well what if she did? Read and find out what would/could happen! R/R, enjoy! S/V in the end, promise!
1. Symptoms

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 1: The Symptoms  
  
I stand here in the rain on a vacant pier where I first fell in love with the man I'm meant to be with. I felt like my world was ending that night. My father had stood me up and I had no one to turn too. Your true friends are those who are there for you when no one else is. That's what Vaughn had showed her. When no one else was there for her, he was.  
  
Moon so bright, night so fine  
  
Keep your heart here with mine  
  
Life's a dream we are dreaming  
  
Race the moon, catch the wind  
  
Ride the night to the end  
  
Seize the day, stand up for the light  
  
I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
  
If that is all in life I ever do  
  
Now, this very night I stand again on this pier hoping it will bring me the same comfort it did that night. This night is different though. Raindrops surround me, matching my mood of depression. Each drop dampens my attitude towards life. My hair and clothes are drenched, yet I don't seem to notice or care.  
  
Everything is a blur. All I know is in this world I'm alone and it's the scariest feeling. I once thought I had friends for support. That view changed when I found out Francie had been murdered. Francie was gone, and Will blamed me so he moved and never talked to me again. My mother, if you could call her that, betrayed the CIA again and is out there, in the world, killing. My father and I had had a growing relationship but he was so wrapped into work now trying to catch Sloane, Sark, and Irina that he never paid attention to my personal life and problems anymore. I can't say it is a surprise though since he never was much of a father when I was growing up, why should now be any different.  
  
I've lived a dozen lifetimes in twenty-some-odd years  
  
Got no use for trouble, got no use for tears  
  
I've had my share of sorrow, more than you could know  
  
Save your lies and alibis, I've heard that tune before  
  
Can't you see it's killing me, I'm old before my time  
  
Suddenly, a crack of lightning lights up the midnight sky and thunder rumbles through the night shaking me. I can feel the wind hitting my soaked form and chills race through my body sending a chill to each nerve making me wince at the sensation. The only friend I had left, the only confidant I had left was Vaughn. He was the one who never left me when I was sad or angry, he was the one person I trusted in this world of deception. Yet one question still wracked my aching head, 'Where was Vaughn now when I'm at my lowest?'  
  
I had nowhere to go. Home was too lonely, cold, and depressing. A hotel was for drifters, one's who had no home, and I wasn't ready to admit that's where I should be, not yet. I needed a place with warmth not only physically but also emotionally. I needed someone to hold me and cradle me like you would a scared baby, because that's how I felt right now; scared, alone, and helpless most of all.  
  
Tears had stained my face red. My eyes kept weeping, never running out of water to plunge down my face. All the thoughts in my head were making me dizzy and my physical state left me with less than enough energy to hold myself up. I slump down on the cold, hard ground and lay down. I pull my knees up to my chest holding them tight to my body. I rock myself back and forth, close my eyes tight and start to mumble a lullaby my mother used to sing me to sleep with. All I wanted was to clear my head of deep thoughts and get my headache to go away but it won't. I just keep singing my lullaby as if it's the only thing keeping me together.  
  
Lullaby, say good night  
  
Close your eyes  
  
Fall away to sleep  
  
Eyes like mine  
  
Don't you cry  
  
Cause tomorrow there'll be much more  
  
To see  
  
Don't you cry  
  
Say goodnight and fall asleep  
  
My world was falling apart before my eyes and I couldn't stop it. I needed a constant in my life to keep me together and that constant is love. Love is the only thing strong enough to keep me from the depths of despair.  
  
***A Lifetime Loving You-Mark Anthony ***Pain of a Troubled Life-Alison Krauss ***Nikos Lullaby-Brian McKnight *****So how was it? R/R, promise more is to come. 


	2. A Threat to Life

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 2: A Threat to Life  
  
I'm lost in this world. My life is made up of one disaster after another. I was recruited into the CIA during college so I never even got to enjoy college like a normal person. My life was turned upside down before that though.  
  
From the day of my birth I was a mistake. My mom never loved me. She was and still is a KGB officer for Russian intelligence. She was just doing her job, to seduce a CIA agent, my father, for classified Intel. I was just a bump on that road, an unexpected mistake.  
  
You'd think that's enough problems for a while, wouldn't you? But no, when I was 7 my mother dies in a car accident so I live for years praising her and wishing she were still alive, only to find she is. She's alive and well working in espionage once again. My father was never there for me either when I was growing up without a mother. He ignored me because every time he saw me he saw his biggest mistake. So ultimately, I grew up alone.  
  
Then someone wants me, someone actually wants me, SD-6. I drop everything in my life to go and work with them just because they were the first people to ever show interest in me. Years later I'm going to get married and be happy but SD-6 kills my fiancé, Danny. I find out they weren't the good guys, they were bad, and I'd been helping people like my mother, people who kill just to up their status. I wanted out but once you're in one of these lives, there is no out. I joined the CIA instead, as a double agent to help bring the bad guys to justice. I down all this though, and looking back on all this it seems like nothing to what was coming next and what is still to come in my life.  
  
My first day at the CIA I find out that my dad has known all along that I'd been working for the bad guys but he never mentioned that small detail to me. I wasted those years of my life and it could have been avoided. I work my ass off the next year to gain something on sd6 so I can be free. That's where the one good thing in my life helps me, Vaughn. Without him this life would have squashed me up and eaten me years ago. I almost loose this angel of mine though because of a stupid device in Taipei. Will was stupid and got involved in investigating Danny's death and was pulled into this life. He was captured so I needed to save him by trading him for a page showing how to use this lethal weapon. That device doesn't only threaten Vaughn's life once but twice.  
  
Anyway I save both times. The shocker is my mother, Irina Derevko wants to help the CIA suddenly and she turns herself in. She helps and saves my life a few times. I get so tangled in her lies that I begin to trust her, which was the biggest mistake of my life. She ends up betraying the CIA and stealing a valuable Rambaldi manuscript in the process. You'd think, okay screw your mom at least you still have your dad, right? Wrong. I find out when I was six my father programmed me to be a spy. He took away my choices in life.  
  
I turn to my friends then for support. I find out my real friend Francie was killed months back and I'd been living with a double. She'd been right under my nose and I didn't notice. Okay so let's see, everyone so far in my life has lied and played me. There has only been one person who's always done what was best for me, and been there whenever I needed him, Vaughn.  
  
I think to myself now though is that enough? Is just one person enough for me to continue living this life? I'm only in my early 30's and I've already suffered enough to last me a few lifetimes. I just want to be free from it all. I need to escape.  
  
I sit up and look around for a means to end my suffering. I don't find anything but a small shop. I get up and walk over to it. Through the windows I can see all sorts of toys on display including soft, cuddly teddy bears. Just looking at those types of things made me wish I'd settle down and have kids. But there wasn't time. It would never happen now and even if it did the kid would already be set up to fail life with these family genes. There's only one person I'd want to have kids with anyway, Vaughn. Oh, Vaughn. I hope he understands when he finds me that I just couldn't go on. I know he'll blame himself first, but he shouldn't. He's the only one that kept me going this long.  
  
All these things going through my head, I can't take it!!! I smash the glass with my bare hand. The glass shatters and cuts up my knuckles leaving small pieces of glass stuck in them. I cringe in pain but then shake it off. I grab a piece of glass from the ground and hold it in my hand. I lift it over my wrist and am about to slit it but my hand is shaking so much I can't see straight and I can't do it. I don't really want to die I just want help. "I want out!" I scream out loud. I fall to the ground crying immensely. I cover my red-splotched face with my hands and rest them on my knees, tucked up to my chest. I just don't know what to do anymore.  
  
***Don't worry it'll start to have an upside soon. Keep reading plz. 


	3. An Angel

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 3: An Angel  
  
I'm walking through layers of thick fog and I can't see anything. I wave my hands around trying to clear the fog. It works minimal and I see a figure walking towards me. I try to make out the face, but it's too blurred. I walk towards the man as he walks towards me. We meet in the middle and that's when I see the face of the mystery man. It's Vaughn.  
  
His features are soft. His green eyes sparkle like diamonds, and his smile is soft and loving. He reaches out a hand to me. I look at it for a moment and then I look back up at his soft eyes and I can't resist him. I reach my hand out to grasp his but as I do he's backing away and fading from my vision. "No! Vaughn stay. I need you. Don't go." I plead as tears stream down my face. I run after him but I don't catch up, he just fades into nothing.  
  
Suddenly, my eyes snap open from my dream only to be met by those same soft green eyes I'd seen so many times before. He came! My trusted confidant, my Guardian Angel came! The one person I wanted, and most of all, needed came to save me. The pier once again was our comforting, peaceful place. Him being here with me now restored those qualities back into this pier. Even in my depressed state I manage a toothless half smile towards him.  
  
He's knelt down by my side stroking my cheek now and wiping away my falling tears with his fingers. He never speaks a word, or questions my state, he just places a soft kiss to my wrinkled forehead as he moves his arms around me in an embrace and helps me to my feet.  
  
All my life, without a doubt I give you  
  
All my life, now and forever till the  
  
Day I die, you and I will share  
  
All the things this changing world can offer  
  
So I sing, I'd be happy just to  
  
Stay this way, spend each day, with you  
  
There was a time, that I just thought  
  
That I would lose my mind  
  
You came along and then the sun did shine  
  
He supports my still limp body. I lean into him and just cry into his shoulder. He strokes my hair soothingly and holds me in his embrace. His embrace is like a blanket to me it keeps me warm and protected. We stand there disregarding to the pouring rain, thunder and lightning, and the mysterious night noises around us. Time passes unnoticed, as we are imperceptible to it. Eventually, I feel his arms move and shift position around me. He bends slightly and lifts me off the ground.  
  
I don't resist but rather adjust comfortably cradled in his arms, resting against his body. He starts to walk away from the pier. My eyes are too blurry from my crying to make out where we are going, but I don't need to know so I close them again. As long as I'm with Vaughn I'll be okay because 'where there is love, life begins'.  
  
I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
  
If that is all in life I ever do  
  
I will want nothing else to see me through  
  
If I can spend my lifetime loving you  
  
Each step Vaughn takes on the hard ground I can feel and I shake. Each raindrop hitting the ground sends a sharp ping through my head causing pain. Suddenly, though his feet stop and I hear a door open. He leans over and tries to put me down, but my arms are clasped around his neck. He tries to reach behind and unlock my fingers but my grip is to tight. Finally, he whispers in my ear, "Hey syd, it's okay let go. I'm just putting you in my car. I won't leave you." It's like he can read my every worry. Although I trust him, I don't let go. I'm scared if I let go I'll fall again into that deep whole of despair.  
  
Vaughn leaned down again to lay me in the backseat of his car but I didn't release my grip. I thought he'd get mad and impatient but he was the opposite. He was understanding and this time climbed into the car himself with me still in his arms. He shut the door and turned on the heat in the car. He sat back resting against the far door, resting his legs on the back seats. I still had my arms around his neck and I rested against his side with my head on his chest. His arms wrapped around me, one around my back resting on my side, and the other resting on one of my arms. For once during this lonely day I felt loved. Now I was sure that one loved one is enough of a cause to live!  
  
They say in this world  
  
Nothing lasts forever  
  
But I don't believe that's true  
  
cause the way that I feel  
  
When we're together  
  
I know that's the way  
  
I'll always feel for you  
  
  
  
**All My Life-America **Lifetime Loving You-Mark Anthony **I'll Never Stop Loving You-Britney Spears ***Hope you still like this story. I know it's kind of depressing but it's so true when you're in love you need that person so much and when your together it feels your problems in life disappear. 


	4. Tough Love

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 4: Tough Love  
  
Eventually, I calm down and get comfortable enough that I fall asleep. This time I don't meet Vaughn in my dream, and I don't see blood or anything. I'm just at peace resting my weak body and soul.  
  
Suddenly, I am brought back from my sleep by the warm feeling of a hand stroking my arm and fingers running through my hair. My eyes flutter open and I see a gorgeous face looking down at me. Everything starts to come back to me, from me standing lonely at the pier at night, to sleeping in Vaughn's arms.  
  
"Morning." He greets me with a smile. How can he do that? How can he not be angry at me or disappointed? I smile a little, "thank you." I don't have to say anything more than that and he understands it all.  
  
From now until forever  
  
That's how long I'll be true  
  
I'll make you this vow  
  
And promise you now  
  
Until forever  
  
I'll never stop loving you  
  
He reaches up one of his hands and tries to grab one of mine, which is when I realized my hands were still locked around his neck. At first I resist again but he sooths me, "It's okay, I'm not going anywhere Syd." I look into his eyes for a minute and see the sincerity in them. Feeling stable at the moment I unlock my fingers allowing him to take one of my hands in his own.  
  
He brought my hand down from behind his head and rested it on his stomach. He stroked the back of my hand with his gentle, soft fingertips and that's when he noticed the cuts and scratches. "Oh Sydney." He whispers under his breath. He picks up my hand and examines the cuts but I soon pull my hand away and hide it from his view. He looks at me and I just start to let silent tears run down my cheek. "Syd, what were you thinking?"  
  
I look away because I don't want to answer but he forces me too. He lifts my chin to face him, "Sydney?" He waits for a response and when I don't give one he starts to get up, "Fine if you don't want to tell me then I guess you don't need me." Talk about tough love. I know that my only chance to over come this is with him so I grab his arm, "Please don't leave. Can we go somewhere else to talk?" He nods, and he's back into his caring mode.  
  
We both move to sit in the front seats. He's driving of course, and I sit in the passenger seat. I lean over the gap between the seats though and lean into his shoulder. He wraps his right arm around my shoulders and holds me close.  
  
There'll come a day  
  
When the world stops turning  
  
And stars will fall from the sky  
  
But this feeling will last  
  
When the sun stops burning  
  
All iwanna do is love you  
  
Till the end of time  
  
It's early out; the sun is just beginning to rise. Vaughn drives through the deserted streets of L.A. "Where are we going?" I ask when I don't recognize the root being to his or my house.  
  
He looks over at my pleading face and then back to the road. I can tell he doesn't want to tell me. "Vaughn?"  
  
"Sydney you need help." He states cautiously. 'No duh!' I feel like saying but I hold back. "You need someone professional to talk to." Ut-oh. "I'm bringing you to Barnett."  
  
I immediately pull away from him. "No Vaughn! I don't need a shrink, I just need you!" I say as tears are now streaming down my cheeks.  
  
"That's where you're wrong Sydney. Look," he says grabbing my hand to show it to me again, "you hurt yourself. You can't just forget about this incident and go back to normal life." Maybe he's right but I can try can't I. The worst part is he's doing this and he doesn't even know my intention of actually killing myself.  
  
I grab his right arm and I grasp his hand in mine. My whole body is turned on the seat facing him, "Please Vaughn." I say pleading. "Don't betray me like this."  
  
"Betray you? Syd don't give me that bullshit. That is what everyone else has done to you, not me. I'm protecting you." He rages out at me.  
  
"If you bring me to Barnett you are betraying my trust." He just shakes his head further at that. Suddenly he pulls over on the road and stops the car.  
  
He leans over me and opens my door for me. "There Syd. You're free. You're free to leave. There's the open road, good luck." He says coldly.  
  
I can't believe he's really doing all this. I thought he'd be the normal caring, sweet Vaughn but he isn't. Tears are falling rapidly from my small eyes. "Vaughn." is all I can choke out.  
  
"Sydney please just listen to me." He says a bit more gently this time. "I'm going to take you to Barnett right now. You can talk to her about what went on with you last night and what's going on now. She'll help you. If you want me to stay with you even, I will. But Syd this is problem is past both of us, you need a professional." That's when it hits me. Vaughn is doing all this because he loves me. He's not betraying me like everyone else. He's not leaving me when I need him most; rather he's being strong when I need a rock.  
  
I nod, "okay." I shut me door and then look back at him. I lean towards him and hug him closely. I came so close to ruining the one good thing left in my life. He embraces me back. "Sydney I just want to protect you."  
  
"I know. I understand now." I admit. Vaughn pulls me close and wraps his arm around my shoulders again. We get back on the road and continue to head towards the ops center.  
  
From now until forever  
  
That's how long I'll be true  
  
I'll make you this vow  
  
And promise you now  
  
Until forever  
  
I'll never stop loving you  
  
  
  
**I'll Never Stop Loving You-Britney Spears ***Hope you liked it. More is coming soon. Next chapter is on the help she gets. R/R plz. Thanks so much for reading! 


	5. Distractions

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 5: Distractions  
  
We arrive at the ops center 10 minutes later. He gets out of the car first and goes around to my door. He opens it for me. I'm frozen in my seat. Vaughn reaches his hand out to me though and I confidently take it. He leads me inside.  
  
On the way to Barnett's office we run into Weiss. "Hey you two."  
  
Vaughn smiles briefly, "Hey." I don't look up because I know I'm easily readable in this state. Weiss catches on anyways though.  
  
"What's wrong?" He asks curiously as he looks back and forth between us. I still avoid him, but Vaughn is stronger and steps up. "Nothing, really." Vaughn tries to convince but it's obvious Weiss isn't that stupid. He keeps looking towards Vaughn. I don't want Weiss to know, or at least not yet. I don't bother to tell Vaughn that though because I know he knows that.  
  
I turn my body towards Vaughn, "Um.I'll be right back. I've got to use the restroom." I say sheepishly as I find my way to the nearest bathroom. I can feel Vaughn's eyes on me the whole way. The second I get inside I go over to the sink and rinse my face with cold water. I didn't really have to go the bathroom; I just needed to get away. I wipe it dry with a paper towel and then I fix my hair up again; anything to make me feel more confident in myself.  
  
I start to go back out into the hall, but I stop at the door with it cracked open. I can see and hear Vaughn and Weiss talking from across the hall.  
  
"Wow she really does need desperate help!" Weiss says laughing.  
  
"I know tell me about it! She's crazy!" Vaughn says in agreement laughing. That hits me like a brick. Vaughn told Weiss but that wasn't even the worst part. Was he really laughing about me? There isn't anything funny about my breakdown. I thought I could trust him and only him but I guess I was wrong.  
  
I quickly turn around and run back into the bathroom letting the door slam shut. In my rush I also knock over a trashcan. I look frantically around for an exit. There is no other door but there is a window.  
  
Vaughn and Weiss quickly turn towards the bathroom; the clatter gaining their attention. "What was that?" Vaughn asks worriedly. He doesn't wait for a response though before he runs over to the bathroom and opens the door looking inside. He notices the trashcan knocked over and then sees a body climbing out a window.  
  
I struggle to get through especially once I see Vaughn come in. "Syd!" I hear him yell and then he grabs my legs. I squirm to release myself from his grip but he's stronger this time and he pulls me back inside. He pulls me close and holds me, my back to him.  
  
I start to kick and hit him, "Let me go you bastard!" I scream. I can tell he's taken aback because his grip loosens momentarily but then returns even tighter than before.  
  
"Woaw! What's wrong?" He asks as he pulls me away from the window and back towards the bathroom wall. I'm still squirming but he has a grip that won't ever loosen. He pulls around and pins me against the wall. At first my back is to him but then he turns me around and makes me look at him.  
  
"Mind telling me what happened?" He says confused, irritated, and caringly trying to help. I pause but then decide what's the hurt in letting him know.  
  
"You!!! You are the problem you @$$ whole! You act all caring and trying to help, then I leave you alone for a minute and you spill everything to Weiss like it's a joke. I saw you laughing and making a joke about." I ramble on but he stops me and kisses me to shut me up. He knew if he told me to shut up I'd just yell more.  
  
I push him away immediately regardless. Before I can say anything else he bursts in, "Do you really think I'd do that? Sydney I thought you knew me better than that!" He yells at me angrily. He lets go of me and walks the side pacing, running his hands through his hair looking frustrated. I could leave now like I was planning on but for some reason I feel pressed to stay.  
  
He must have known too otherwise he wouldn't have let me go. "But I heard you say I was crazy." I say, still not satisfied until I get the explanation.  
  
"You only heard a part Syd. I said 'she needs help' not you. For your information I was talking about Weiss's date last night. She ended up being some psycho." He adds on a lighter note.  
  
I'm skeptical at first, but I know I really need him and I don't want to leave. "Oh," Is all I can say. I knew I owed him an apology for all I'd said but it took a lot of me to do that, I was a proud person. Finally, I swallow my pride. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't assume things and I'm sorry I called you all those things." By now my anger is completely gone and I'm crying.  
  
He walks over to me and pulls me into his arms, "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay Syd. I promise."  
  
With that my tears subsided. He always knew exactly what to say. I truly loved him. We left the restroom hand-in-hand and started back on our track to Barnett.  
  
This time on our walk through the ops center we took the 'back ways' if you could call them that. We cut through offices and smaller hallways that were less crowded. Fait must have had it's eyes set on me though because one of the people I wanted to see least, we run into.  
  
"Hello, Agent Vaughn, Sydney." Jack greets Vaughn and me.  
  
"Hey Jack." Vaughn replies but I just nod my head in recognition. I try to hide my mood but I can tell he isn't fooled one bit.  
  
"What's wrong?" He questions, looking from Vaughn's face to mine. "Sydney." He says sternly, "what happened?"  
  
"Nothing." I say short and matter-of-factly. "Why you suddenly care?" I add under my breath.  
  
"How about you Mr. Vaughn? Would you care to let me know?"  
  
"If you don't mind, we have places to be." Vaughn says sternly but politely. He leads me forward around rests his hand on my lower back to guide me. As we continue down the hall I hear my father yell back to us, "What ever it is, you be sure you know I'll find out!"  
  
Vaughn can sense my sadness and anger. He leans in to my ear, "I love you." My head snaps in his direction, he continues, "When you think there is nothing, and no one to live for. Even if you're dad, mom, friends, aren't there for you.I'll always be there!"  
  
We reach Barnett's door and we stop before entering. I turn to him and practically jump into his arms. "I love you too. And trust me when I tell you I know you're always there for me."  
  
He kisses me deeply and caring. We slowly break apart. He rests his forehead on mine for a minute, "Ready?" He asks.  
  
I smile "Yeah, I'm ready." I was finally ready to put my past let downs, and pain behind me. I couldn't go on like this. I was too depressed and tired of life. All I know is that my life has already begun to turn up with Vaughn so I'm going to just go with the flow from here on, following my heart not head.  
  
***Okay so you know the routine, like/dislike? Let me know. Constructive criticism is always great too. 


	6. Getting Help

Title: Depression  
  
By: Ryan AKA: Star  
  
Summary: Sydney gets sick of her life and falls into depression, will someone be there to dig her out from it? Read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine!  
  
Chapter 6: Getting Help  
  
I smile "Yeah, I'm ready." I was finally ready to put my past let downs, and pain behind me. I couldn't go on like this. I was too depressed and tired of life. All I know is that my life has already begun to turn up with Vaughn so I'm going to just go with the flow from here on, following my heart not head.  
  
  
  
I paused and realized I had to tell some things, I couldn't let Vaughn do it all for me. "I needed to clear my head and get away from things for a while."  
  
All Dr. Barnett did was nod. Vaughn picked up again. "I found her huddled on the ground, crying. She was just sitting there in the soaking rain, oblivious to everything around her. She had cuts on her hand too with blood dripping from her wounds." He explained my state and lifted my hand to show her, but I quickly pulled it back.  
  
"How'd you hurt yourself?" Once again a question I had to answer. I thought about if I should tell her what I hadn't even told Vaughn.  
  
"Some glass from a near by store window."  
  
"And how did it break? Was it the storm? Or did you break it?" She questioned.  
  
I had stayed strong and I didn't want to cry but I knew this would make me cry when I saw Vaughn's reaction, "I punched the window in frustration and anger. I was mad that my life was basically a living hell." I paused and reached over and gripped Vaughn's hand tightly. He squeezed it in comfort and urging me to continue, "I wanted.I needed a way out. What I was doing was no longer classified as living. No one would miss me I thought.there was only one option in my eyes.to end it, to end my hell."  
  
I glance over to Vaughn and I see his eyes are filled with unshed tears. "Syd why didn't you tell me?" He asks under his breath.  
  
I can feel my eyes give way and the water built up in mine spill over and tears pour down my cheeks. "I grabbed a piece of glass in my hand and I held it to my wrist. My hand was shaking violently; in that time it seemed as if my life flashed before me as I contemplated this decision to take my life. I thought about all the people who'd let me down through my life, all those who'd forgotten about me, all those who'd betrayed me, and then finally I remembered the one person who'd never let me down, who'd never forgotten me, who'd never betrayed me; Vaughn." I turn towards Vaughn and I see him crying now also.  
  
He hugs me and I embrace him tight. We gripped each other as if we were each other's lifeline. I did pull back a little eventually though, but only long enough to finish this story. "When I thought about you Vaughn," I say now forgetting Dr. Barnett is there and only talking to Vaughn from my heart, "I realized one person was enough cause for me to live. I didn't want to hurt you more than my family already has done. Vaughn you are the reason I didn't kill myself there and then. I just collapsed onto the ground in the rain, and cried. It was the only thing I knew how to do at that time, I was just so lost. Then when I woke up from this I saw an angel, you. Just seeing you come for me, to help. Just knowing you were there with me to help then I could relax."  
  
Dr. Barnett was scribbling away on her paper some more, but I didn't care. I locked eyes with Vaughn. I brushed a quick kiss across his lips and then brought him back into an embrace. We stayed like that in silence for a while until Dr. Barnett spoke up.  
  
"Ms. Bristow, I see you have experienced some bad depression over the last 24 hours. Now, I realize your life has had its obstacles, and it hasn't been no picnic. Normally I would have to report you and document you as unfit for active duty under your condition, however I can see you are of sound mind. You had at least the sense to come for help."  
  
I pull away from Vaughn enough to face Barnett and listen. I blush a little, "I'd have to give that credit to Vaughn. I didn't want to come, I just wanted to be with Vaughn, but he insisted I get professional help."  
  
Dr. Barnett scribbles some more down on her notepad. At first I'm scared I shouldn't have said that but then she looks back up and has a smile on. She nods her head, "Well I guess you are more lucky than I thought. It seems to me you have someone right here willing to take care of you."  
  
I look over at Vaughn and smile brightly. Vaughn reaches his hand up and wipes some falling tears from my face. "Yeah I do have someone very special here. I have my own guardian angel."  
  
Barnett smiles, "Well anyway, I do suggest you come in a few times a week to speak with me. Keep me updated on happenings in your life, with your family and friends. I'm sure you can talk to Agent Vaughn also. Hopefully through talking through your problems you can come up with a better twist, and better thoughts about your life. Turn yourself in to an optimist instead of a pessimist. I also think you should take it easy on your work load this week, I won't take you off duty but I would recommend a reduced amount."  
  
I nod as she explains this all to me. Just getting this all out today has helped me.  
  
Just then the door swings open. All of our heads turn and I'm surprised to see my father. "Jack?" Vaughn says surprised.  
  
Dr. Barnett stands up, "Excuse me Jack but this is a private session. If you need to talk to me, I'll be done in a second." Jack cuts her off and walks over to stand in front of me. This is the first time I notice his eyes are filled with tears. He reaches out and grabs my hands, standing me up and pulling me into a hug.  
  
"Dad what are you doing here?" I ask into his ear as he continues to hold me tight.  
  
He pulls away a little to look me in the face, "I'm so sorry Sydney. I didn't mean to abandon you and disregard your problems."  
  
"woah, woah, dad." I say pulling back slightly. He stands back a little and smiles a little before explaining. "Honey I just heard what you were saying, and I know that I haven't..."  
  
I cut in all confused, "Wait, you heard?"  
  
"I'm sorry but I had to know what was going on with you and you wouldn't tell me. I planted a listening device in here."  
  
"Dad!" I say annoyed at his breach of my privacy. Vaughn rubs his hand up and down my arm in support.  
  
"Sydney please forgive me but I was worried. Like I was saying I haven't been there for you when you needed me. I didn't pay attention to your personal problems. I'm very sorry for that but I can say I'm happy that in my absence you managed to find someone so wonderful as Agent Vaughn here to take care of you." He says as he nods respectfully to Vaughn.  
  
"Dad it's not your fault." I try to reassure him.  
  
"Sydney I'm not going to play the blame game. I just wanted to make sure you knew that from now on I'm going to be here for you whether you have a personal or professional problem. Just.you can come to me." I smile and hug him tightly. I start to cry again.  
  
Vaughn gets worried and asks me what's wrong. I'm not crying because I'm sad or depressed though, not this time. This time I'm crying because I'm happy. My life might not be fixed completely yet, but with all these people willing to hold me and help me, how can I fall? I think with all these people already starting to help me, I can overcome this struggle and any other struggle that comes my way.  
  
I guess I realized life is only as good as I make it. If I give into it being hell then sure that's all it'll be, but if I try to make it more I realize now that it 'can' be so much more. Besides hell is as low as it gets, so my life can only get better. Through all this depression over the past days though I did realize one thing, I don't live for others, but I live for myself. Whether I have one person who cares about me or twenty it doesn't matter, it's quality not quantity.  
  
***Okay so how'd you like this story of mine. It's my first 'serious' one. Hope I wrote it believably. Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. If you like my writing check out some of my other stories like 'A License to Flirt' a s/v fluff piece. Thanks again all! 


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